The post I've been waiting 3 years to write!

To actually be writing about the birth of our second son is surreal! I truly didn't know if I'd get to do this or not. So I couldn't be any more grateful.

(Although the entire story is very long and very detailed, I'm only going to write this short, condensed version to share publicly because the full story is too personal and still emotional for me to share.) 

Milo was a breech baby and even after a failed attempt to turn him, I figured a c-section for Anna was imminent. It was a weird feeling I had. I was really scared for Anna and sad that she'd have to go through that, especially recovery and whatnot. But on the other hand I was ok with it. It meant that we'd have an actual scheduled day to plan and be there a couple days before with Anna just like we hoped, plus it meant a safe delivery if he was still breech. Had she gone into labor naturally then it would have just been a waiting game until the last second until we could find a flight and get to Alaska, praying that we wouldn't miss the birth. So we were able to pick Milo's birthday, plan our travel and stay, and get things ready to meet Anna. 

We flew out and arrived in Anchorage on Mother's Day. Anna and her parents picked us up from the airport and we spent the next 2 days traveling around Anchorage and getting to know each other. It was, again, such a weird feeling. I felt as if I knew Anna for so long and was comfortable being with her but yet so nervous and excited to finally be meeting her. 

The morning of May 12th, Anna and her parents picked us up and we headed to the hospital! The spirit was so strong that day. Just walking into the hospital I felt so peaceful and calm for Anna. I don't remember her saying if she was nervous or not but if she was she never let it show. Love radiated from us and it was so special. After checking in we headed to our hospital room where Anna's dad and Straton gave her a sweet blessing. We hugged and said our tearful good lucks and see you soons and she was off. 

Surgery prep time took a while so we knew it would be hours before we'd get to see him so we tried to settle in and calm our nerves and excitement (mine only grew by the hour). I couldn't eat or watch t.v. I could barely focus on writing texts to my family. I was starting to go crazy. By around 11:30 the nurse who was keeping us updated had let us know that they were going to be starting soon and she'd let us know when he was here. Every time I'd see a shadow walk past our door my heart would stop. Finally, 12:30 rolled around and the nurse let us know that baby boy was born and doing fine and so was Anna and she'd give me more details when she could. A huge layer of relief flew off my shoulders!! He was here, healthy and everything went OK. Next the nurse brought in Anna's dad who happily told us that baby boy was 8 pounds 3 ounces, 21 1/4 inches born at 12:27! I could feel Milo in that hospital! I wanted to hold his little body to my chest so badly and could hardly wait to meet him. We were so excited! I wanted to run down to Anna and give her a high-five! She did it! 

Anna got moved to recovery where she got to hold and love Milo until she was ready for us to meet him. Our nurse said Anna was ready and that she would go get him for us. I never paced or tapped my feet so much. I could see my heart beating through my sweater, it almost hurt. Finally the nurse came in, asked if we were ready to meet our son, grabbed our camera and waited for him to be wheeled in through our door. When his little cart came in I lost it. I couldn't even see him in his bundle of blankets but he was here! I felt him just like when he was born but so much stronger! He was feet away from me and ready to be in my arms. Even now, writing this part of the story brings so many tears to my eyes. The love I had for him in that moment was bursting from me. Then I saw his sweet little face for the first time. All I wanted to do was learn every feature and detail of it. He was so beautiful. I picked him up and held him tightly to my chest. I could have lived in that moment. As tears fell from my eyes I felt so different. A good different. I felt like a mom again. I had two boys. Two beautiful, healthy boys! We were so incredibly blessed. He was supposed to find us.

The next couple of hours we spent doing skin-to-skin, loving, staring and calling all our family. Then we got you ready and headed down the hall to see Anna. Together we all sat and talked, held you and loved you. For me it was almost easier to sit together in silence. It just felt like nothing needed to be said because you were here and I didn't want to interrupt the peacefulness of your presence. You were so perfect. We loved Anna so much. There was no gift, no words that could express our gratitude to her and her decision. She chose adoption! What a courageous, selfless decision! It still completely blows my mind. She did it. And she chose us because she knew we were his family. It wasn't until a couple months later when Anna came to visit us that it REALLY hit me. I always felt it but I guess never gave it much thought or realized it so well that Anna and I were supposed to find each other. Milo was supposed to find us and to bring us all together. Maybe because that's how we needed to grow our family or she needed me or I needed her, I don't know. Maybe we haven't quite found the answer yet. But I truly believe that not only was Milo supposed to find us but Anna was as well. She was OUR birth mom.

We're so blessed we were able to adopt. It was a completely different experience than I EVER imagined. It was incredibly hard, incredibly sad, incredibly happy and incredibly scary but it was worth the journey. Milo will always be worth it!  

You are here...?

It's been a while.

Adoption update. Shortly after we were approved, LDS family services made an announcement that they are no longer offering adoption services. We had a tiny heads up from our case worker when we first went in to talk about adoption that some changes were coming. Good or bad, she wasn't sure. Unfortunately, it was bad. And we found out the same way everyone else did. Through the news, on the day of the announcement, which made me a little angry. There is some fine print with the changes apparently, but we have YET to learn them because we have not yet heard from our caseworker. It sounds like family services has been busy figuring these changes out as well, so things keep changing and we keep hearing lots of different stories.

This turn of events has bewildered us. Total confusion. Totally numb. Kind of sick and tired of being sick and tired...and sad. So when people ask how the adoption process is going...honestly, I hate that question. I know everyone means well by it and I'm not upset that they are being thoughtful. But there is only one obvious answer. We don't have a baby yet. There is never going to be a happy answer to that question. Because when we do have a baby one day, that question will no longer be relevant. It will be happy questions pertaining to our success like, "how's the baby doing?" or "how is Oak as a big brother?". That question to me is just a reminder of how sad I am and how awful this whole thing feels. The question isn't asking me if I'm still emotionally stable. Or offering me a hug. It's putting me back in that dark place, each and every time, forcing me to pretend to sound happy and try to give people answers that I myself can't find.

My point is, I know others are asking if there is any progress. But by golly, it sure would be nice if someone threw their arm around my shoulders and told me to keep up the good work, you know what I'm saying?!

How's the adoption process going?

It's still going. And we aren't sure if it will ever actually go anywhere. We are exhausted, confused, still looking for directions but have decided to focus on our family, especially Oak, and getting happy again. We thought we were here, but found out we were there. And then over there and then there and got lost. We're still hopeful for a family of four but right now we're also hopeful for Oak liking wrestling practice. And my new calling at church. And for Straton possibly getting a fun little side job that is more play than work for him. We're never going to stop hoping and wishing for our newest family member. We've just decided to think a little more about what's right in front of us and not let a moment pass by that we aren't filling with happy thoughts.

we're approved!

I can't tell you how long I've been wanting to spill this little secret of ours. Probably almost as long as it took me to make this stinking video. And then sadly my computer broke and I had to record a video on my phone of this video, which is why it's horrible quality (like super bad, you guys), I apologize. But until I can get the real video uploaded this will just have to do because it's 6 in the morning, I have yet to sleep and because I have to tell everyone, finally!

WE'RE ADOPTING!!




we're adopting! from Lauren Gerber on Vimeo.

Papers are in!

Our work is done! We've completed all our steps in order to be approved for adoption! Our case worker called last Friday to let us know that everything looked great and she was going to work hard and get us approved soon. When I asked how long she thought it might be, I thought for sure no less than a month. Tears filled my eyes when she said it would hopefully only take a week to a week and a half! I couldn't believe it. It was amazing to see things just fall into place. I couldn't have asked for an easier, faster process. People had us scared with all their "beware the paperwork!" comments but it was a breeze. Maybe we got lucky? Maybe it was supposed to work this way for us? Maybe it really is a whole lot easier than everyone thinks and says? Either way, it worked. We did it. We're so close to the light at the end of the tunnel. It feels so good. Now we wait for the news that we're approved and our profile goes live!

Currently

I found this in my drafts, unfinished, but  thought I might as well publish it. I might have to do these more often. It's fun being reminded of just how I was feeling, even a few months ago.

Making : plans. And ideas about plans.
Cooking : pork tacos and green beans.
Drinking : San Pellegrino, by the case.
Reading: books I can't seem to finish.
Wanting: energy. I have absolutely none these days.
Looking: at Oak's baby pictures and wanting to squeeze that little baby body of his again.
Playing: forty thieves. A card game on my phone. Someone make me stop!
Wasting: my gym membership. It's not easy when 11 p.m. is your only available time to go.
Sewing: unfortunately my sewing machine has been collecting dust for a while now.
Wishing: I could restart my wardrobe. How can clothing trends fade out so quickly?
Enjoying: the river in my backyard. It's truly something.
Waiting: for the fourth member of our family to show up!
Liking: this weather we've been having! 70 degrees is alright by me Logan, keep it coming!
Wondering: about what Harley's been up to in heaven lately.
Loving: my neighbors. It's nice to have some that I can communicate with. Our last neighbors all spoke Spanish.
Hoping: to make lots of fun memories this summer.
Marvelling: nature. It's incredible what animals survive through.
Needing: to start eating better. Popcorn and goldfish every night aren't cutting it anymore.
Smelling: fresh laundry.
Wearing: my pajamas, of course.
Noticing: how green all the trees are getting.

the best morning

Often times Oaklen wakes up early in the morning and crawls in bed with us to sleep a little while longer. Lately he's been waking up when Straton goes to work and promptly comes in to wake me up. It's usually to ask me for dinner (breakfast. He labels every meal as dinner) and he'll whine and complain until he can drag me out of bed.

Yesterday he woke me up and I swear, it was something straight out of a fairytale book. Rainbows and unicorns were flying around my room. It was special, you guys. I woke up to his hands constantly cupping and stroking my face while he repeatedly called me his sweetyheart. "Wake up sweetyheart! Oh sweetyheart, it's time to get up!" And this was also going on while he kissed my forehead and cheeks. After opening and then closing my eyes, he said "oh hunny, I know you want to sleep but that's a problem. Come on, let's go have some dinner". I opened my eyes again, trying so hard not to laugh and he said "there you are, sweetyheart!".
Then he flipped my hand over and started slowly tickling my palm and fingers, just like his daddy does to him. Then he kissed each finger, snuggled me, called me sweetyheart a few more times and then I forced myself out of bed. It was the sweetest moment I think I've had with him yet. I'm telling you, this boy is made to love. He is the sweetest, most caring child. I wish everyone could start their days just like that.

He's a sweetyheart, that little boy.

worms

A few days ago we spent the day out in the sun and getting our front yard together. We ripped out old bushes and plants and planted new flowers, plants and grapes! It'll take a few years before the grapes really take off but we're excited to try them! My neighbor made pure grape juice with no sugars or anything and brought it over for us to try. It was so good and I can't wait to try some of our own.

Oak of course insisted on helping us out in the yard although there wasn't much he was old enough to do. But he picked a few weeds for me and raked the backyard. I'm just glad he finds this stuff fun because I know it won't last long at all. He really enjoyed playing in dad's wheelbarrow of dirt. He was so cute out there in his t shirt, undies and rain boots. Towards the end of the day Straton dug up a hole and found some worms. Of course I couldn't say no to Oak when he asked if he could hold them, even though I really wanted to. He was gentle and so excited to watch them wiggle in his hands. A little while later he found a night crawler and just had to get his hands on this huge thing. I again told him that he had to be gentle and just hold him, which he did. Until I went to the backyard for a few minutes. When I came back around he had the saddest, guiltiest and ashamed face. After asking what was wrong he told me, with tears in his eyes and a quiver to his lip, that he swung the worm around like a helicopter and he "broke into pieces". After explaining to him that it was okay and he needs to only hold them and be gentle, he lost it. He was so sad and wanted him back. I told him that he went to heaven and Harley would take care of him.

The next day on Sunday, guess what he learns about in primary? Being kind to animals. Go figure.

Lesson learned.