I wasn't planning on posting this but.....

Lying in bed tonight, I felt sad. I allowed myself to get sad and then feel sad, which I normally don't do. I am pretty good at bottling my deepest, rawest emotions up, unfortunately, until they come spilling out through anger or sadness. Tonight was sadness.

I got thinking about adoption and specifically our journey with Milo and it somehow, somewhere took a dark turn and I started thinking about my miscarriage. I haven't thought about that for a while, which made me all the more sad. Almost as if I was guilty and a horrible person for not thinking about my lost baby. Here's the crazy thing. I feel like either I am giving way too much thought and being overly dramatic about a baby, that was hardly even a baby, that I lost so early on in my pregnancy. Or, I feel like a horrible mother for not loving and remembering my child that was absolutely, 100% my baby, regardless of the fact that I was so early, I WAS PREGNANT.

I don't understand why it's so hard for me to figure out and grieve and move on the best way I can. I feel like I'm screwing it all up and making it worse for myself. 

But I felt sad tonight. And I cried, like I occasionally do, unknowingly, in my bed late at night while the house sleeps. I felt utterly alone. I don't talk to anyone about these things because A. no one understands, they haven't experienced anything like it or B. they act like it's no big deal and "everything will be just fine". I don't even know if I want to talk to anyone anymore. I'm choosing to type it out in hopes that I can self-therapist my way through this ordeal with out making too much of an ordeal. 

So I feel like writing my sh*t out will lay things on the table and give me a chance to say "hey, I dealt with all this sh*t and I'm doing all right!"

If not, then I learned something. 

Traumatic Experiences

#1. Harley. Ugh. I loved that dog with all my heart and he was taken from me so quickly and traumatically. I know, it's a dog, and some people think it's silly, but I freaking loved him and wasn't ready to lose him, so there. I'm sad and mad over losing my 4 pound chi-weenie.

#2. Infertility. Duh. This totally sucks. Totally blindsided by this one. Never even crossed my mind that I might have to deal with this one day. And to learn that it was PCOS and that it can "come and go" throughout my childbearing years was dumb. Screw you, PCOS.

#3. Miscarriage. The big "M" word. I swear, nobody talks about this and it's avoided like the plague but the longer I've had infertility issues, the more I meet and hear of women who go through miscarriage. Sometimes once, sometimes 2, 3, 4 times and I'm blown away by their strength to persevere. One was enough to scare me from even trying to get pregnant again, due to the fact that I might be forced to see my tiny little baby growing inside me and then have it taken away. But I get it now. It took me a while but I know I can't be a pansy and hide from the thing I want most. Stubborn little Lauren is back to show this infertility business who's boss. 

#4. Adoption. Obviously, this topic could create multiple blog posts itself. I honestly think I suffer PTSD from it, if that's possible. I mean, as cliche as it sounds, I grew so much stronger because of it but I also have bouts of anxiety from it. I was in SUCH a low place in Alaska and then such a HIGH place landing and coming off that plane into Salt Lake City but the two balanced out into a complete state of numbness. I was just existing the first few days I was home. I'm so thankful for my mom who was there with me those first few days because I was like a child after watching a scary movie at night. I just needed a physical presence there to give me safety and peace. 

#5. IHOP. This one would probably surprise those who know the story and think I've been totally fine from it. But I have yet to use any public restroom and not think and fear this incident that happened. The quick story is, I was eating at IHOP one night years ago with my mom and after I'd finished eating, I decided to use the restroom before we left. I went alone, into a 2 stalled bathroom that I thought I was alone in, and as I'm going, a guy army crawls out of the stall next to me and underneath mine. Thankfully he decided not to do anything further and retreated back to his stall but I was in complete shock. And after I told the staff at IHOP, they did NOTHING. (I called the cops later and he was arrested and thrown in jail.) 

Honestly, the whole thing is actually really weird to me but it FREAKED ME OUT. And I'm truly scared to go into a public restroom, especially if I'm the only one in there. 
--But on a really cool, look-at-me note, I went to his court hearing (which apparently "victims" hardly ever do) and after hearing the judge quickly read off his almost innocent sounding story, I raised my little hand in the back row of that room, marched my butt up to the stand and told the judge how it really went down and how much that creep should be punished. She listened. And he got what he deserved. Mic drop.
PSA: never let your children use the restroom alone. Ever. 

I've always told myself that even though these things happened and they totally suck, I'm grateful they happened to me. I'd hate to see my best friend or my sister or my niece go through these things. Most of the time I'd rather take the pain myself then to see someone I love go through it. But every once in a while I get tired. And I crash. And then I cry because that's what us girls do. 

So Lauren, when you read this next time your sad and lonely at 2:30 in the morning, remember that you got this far because you kicked butt. You never gave up. And you conquered. You can do hard things. #fistbump #girlpower

better late than never

I'm not a blogger and with things like instagram and chatbooks, I'm just not interested in making blog posts anymore. And I'm pretty sure no one reads this anyway but just in case one day I get the crazy feeling to print my blog out, I'll have more than 2 interesting posts to read.

A little update on the boys.

Oak is my lover boy. He has such a tender loving heart and loves people, animals and things with passion. Animals are his weakness, especially dogs. He's partly vegetarian (all his own choosing) because he doesn't like the fact that animals die. I think it's hilarious and adorable. He loves to cuddle me and show me love. I co-slept with him from the time he was born and I'd do it still if Strat let me. I still occasionally get to. Oak loves babies and still wants a baby sister so badly. He is such a natural holding and rocking babies. Sometimes when Milo was fussy we'd give him to Oak and he'd calm right down. Not only do they have a sweet brotherly connection but Oak just knows how to do it!
But with that sweet and kind side also comes a fiery side to him as well. If he has his mind set on something, he has to see it through and it drives him crazy if he can't. He's very independent and knows what he wants. He doesn't like being told he can't do something. I actually think all these things can be good things, he just has to figure out how to accept failure, or a "no" answer, a little better and not want to punch a hole through a wall (not that he's tried...yet).
I have a feeling that Oak will be more of an artist than a sports guy. That's where he naturally seems interested and I constantly find him drawing in all my notepads and on any scrap piece he can find. His imagination blows me away sometimes. Maybe all minds are like his at 6 years old but I like to think that he's pretty amazing. He loves to create and see his ideas through. Minecraft is quite the obsession with him lately but he uses it for creativity more than play and I love that he can express himself through it. It's been really good for him.
He starts 1st grade in a month and he'll be doing the dual immersion Portuguese. I can't wait to see how he'll do and how far he'll go with it. Hopefully he won't be such a social butterfly in class and pay attention. He's a great reader and gets better with every book. He doesn't like doing math. His best friend is Bryton H. and his first crush was on a girl in his class named Flora. MY HEART ALMOST BURST WHEN HE FIRST TOLD ME. Heart emojis were just flying out of my head. And her name is Flora. Could it be any cuter?! He told me he thought she was pretty and she talks about Minecraft with him. So naturally, she's the one.
We love this boy like crazy.

Milo is one feisty 1 year old. Holy moly. I'm hoping his personality right now doesn't reflect what it will be like in the future or I'm in for it big time. He screams still. He screamed until he was about 6 months old and then finally took a much needed break for a few months. Now he's back at it. This time instead of crying/screaming it's mostly just screaming. If I'm not feeding him fast enough, he screams. If I have to change his diaper, he screams. If he's already eaten an entire banana, sandwich, fruit, yogurt and some crackers and I walk away like I'm done feeding him, screams. Put him down so I can use the bathroom, screams. Won't let him put his fingers in a socket, screams. And now he's into throwing a complete toddler tantrum and will throw himself onto the floor, kicking and screaming and thrashing about. Super fun.
He knows little fear. I'm pretty sure the only things he's ever shown fear to is the hand dryer in a public restroom and my blow dryer. If I put him down to walk he will take off. It doesn't matter where, he just wants to see how far he'll get before I catch him. If he's not right under my feet whining for me to hold him or feed him all day, he'll be off somewhere touching or getting into something he's not supposed to. He does this new thing when I tell him "no touch", he'll look right at me with this big grin and then slowly go to touch it again with his little pointer finger. It's a tricky thing to be angry while also trying to hide your laughter.
My eyes and ears are on him ALL DAY LONG. We don't leave the house much....
Milo and Oak are best friends and worst enemies. This is where most of the screaming comes into play. Oak tries all the time to play with Milo but they just aren't quite there yet. I think the age gap is what makes it difficult. Milo screams at him to say no. Oak will try time after time to do something with Milo but it always ends with screaming. He also HATES it when Oak parents him. I'm constantly separating them.
Milo has given us a run for our money since day 1 but we have these sweet little moments that really keep us going. It's not easy to get him to laugh but when we do it's the sweetest sound! Or when I give him a binky for a nap or bedtime and he puts his head in my neck and hums...that breaks me! He is such a sweetie. He has big blue eyes and a toothy smile to melt you. He's dancing the second music is turned on. He's funny without even trying. He's a curious and adventurous little soul and we love him completely.