I wasn't planning on posting this but.....


Lying in bed tonight, I felt sad. I allowed myself to get sad and then feel sad, which I normally don't do. I am pretty good at bottling my deepest, rawest emotions up, unfortunately, until they come spilling out through anger or sadness. Tonight was sadness.
I got thinking about adoption and specifically our journey with Milo and it somehow, somewhere took a dark turn and I started thinking about my miscarriage. I haven't thought about that for a while, which made me all the more sad. Almost as if I was guilty and a horrible person for not thinking about my lost baby. Here's the crazy thing. I feel like either I am giving way too much thought and being overly dramatic about a baby, that was hardly even a baby, that I lost so early on in my pregnancy. Or, I feel like a horrible mother for not loving and remembering my child that was absolutely, 100% my baby, regardless of the fact that I was so early, I WAS PREGNANT.

I don't understand why it's so hard for me to figure out and grieve and move on the best way I can. I feel like I'm screwing it all up and making it worse for myself. 

But I felt sad tonight. And I cried, like I occasionally do, unknowingly, in my bed late at night while the house sleeps. I felt utterly alone. I don't talk to anyone about these things because A. no one understands, they haven't experienced anything like it or B. they act like it's no big deal and "everything will be just fine". I don't even know if I want to talk to anyone anymore. I'm choosing to type it out in hopes that I can self-therapist my way through this ordeal with out making too much of an ordeal. 

So I feel like writing my sh*t out will lay things on the table and give me a chance to say "hey, I dealt with all this sh*t and I'm doing all right!"
If not, then I learned something. 

Traumatic Experiences
#1. Harley. Ugh. I loved that dog with all my heart and he was taken from me so quickly and traumatically. I know, it's a dog, and some people think it's silly, but I freaking loved him and wasn't ready to lose him, so there. I'm sad and mad over losing my 4 pound chi-weenie.

#2. Infertility. Duh. This totally sucks. Totally blindsided by this one. Never even crossed my mind that I might have to deal with this one day. And to learn that it was PCOS and that it can "come and go" throughout my childbearing years was dumb. Screw you, PCOS.

#3. Miscarriage. The big "M" word. I swear, nobody talks about this and it's avoided like the plague but the longer I've had infertility issues, the more I meet and hear of women who go through miscarriage. Sometimes once, sometimes 2, 3, 4 times and I'm blown away by their strength to persevere. One was enough to scare me from even trying to get pregnant again, due to the fact that I might be forced to see my tiny little baby growing inside me and then have it taken away. But I get it now. It took me a while but I know I can't be a pansy and hide from the thing I want most. Stubborn little Lauren is back to show this infertility business who's boss. 

#4. Adoption. Obviously, this topic could create multiple blog posts itself. I honestly think I suffer PTSD from it, if that's possible. I mean, as cliche as it sounds, I grew so much stronger because of it but I also have bouts of anxiety from it. I was in SUCH a low place in Alaska and then such a HIGH place landing and coming off that plane into Salt Lake City but the two balanced out into a complete state of numbness. I was just existing the first few days I was home. I'm so thankful for my mom who was there with me those first few days because I was like a child after watching a scary movie at night. I just needed a physical presence there to give me safety and peace. 

#5. IHOP. This one would probably surprise those who know the story and think I've been totally fine from it. But I have yet to use any public restroom and not think and fear this incident that happened. The quick story is, I was eating at IHOP one night years ago with my mom and after I'd finished eating, I decided to use the restroom before we left. I went alone, into a 2 stalled bathroom that I thought I was alone in, and as I'm going, a guy army crawls out of the stall next to me and underneath mine. Thankfully he decided not to do anything further and retreated back to his stall but I was in complete shock. And after I told the staff at IHOP, they did NOTHING. (I called the cops later and he was arrested and thrown in jail.) 
Honestly, the whole thing is actually really weird to me but it FREAKED ME OUT. And I'm truly scared to go into a public restroom, especially if I'm the only one in there. 
--But on a really cool, look-at-me note, I went to his court hearing (which apparently "victims" hardly ever do) and after hearing the judge quickly read off his almost innocent sounding story, I raised my little hand in the back row of that room, marched my butt up to the stand and told the judge how it really went down and how much that creep should be punished. She listened. And he got what he deserved. Mic drop.
PSA: never let your children use the restroom alone. Ever

I've always told myself that even though these things happened and they totally suck, I'm grateful they happened to me. I'd hate to see my best friend or my sister or my niece go through these things. Most of the time I'd rather take the pain myself then to see someone I love go through it. But every once in a while I get tired. And I crash. And then I cry because that's what us girls do. 

So Lauren, when you read this next time your sad and lonely at 2:30 in the morning, remember that you got this far because you kicked butt. You never gave up. And you conquered. You can do hard things. #fistbump #girlpower

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