Over the years I've changed. A lot. I used to be someone who talked freely about what I thought, felt or experienced, without thinking much before I spoke. If I felt something or some way I would usually tell you about it. I didn't give much thought to how those around me felt or what they might think. Oh, the blessed teenage years...
Today, I don't know that girl anymore. Like a trend in clothing, I completely phased that part of my life out and into the past. I think of everyone's thoughts and feelings before my own. I think too much before I speak. And although I still want to talk freely with those around me, I don't. I bottle things in until I trust you or until I feel I can be 100% myself. I worry about how my thoughts and opinions will be perceived so much that I usually talk myself out of it and just hold it in a little longer until I'm ready. It's strange. And although I'm happy with the changes I've made in my life and who I'm becoming, I wish I had a little more courage to talk, like the old me had no problem doing.
Talking face-to-face tends to make me over think and over analyze. But thankfully this good little blog allows me to talk a little more openly. And even though I re-read past posts and wonder what the heck I was thinking, I'm glad I documented it. Documented my life, my thoughts, how my personality was at that moment in time. Which is why I decided to post about motherhood today. A little journal entry that I hope to re-read one day in the future and, embarrassed or not, be thankful that I wrote about it. About my feelings and thoughts and the good and bad between it all.
I'm baby hungry. I mean, baby starving. Straton and I had a plan to have another baby just after Oak turned 3. We felt like 3 years in between children was perfect, for us and for them. So once that time came to start trying, we figured it would be easy. Just like getting pregnant with Oaklen was. Just like how my sisters hug their husbands too tightly and -poof!- they're pregnant. How hard could getting pregnant again be?
As it turns out, hard. Much harder than we thought it ever would be. How could everyone in my family have it so easy, with no problems at all, and then stop with us? Even after we've already had a child? I was confused. After the first couple of months with no signs of pregnancy, I was a little surprised. Surely next month I would be. But then nothing. And then the next month, when I felt it, when I just knew I was pregnant, only to find that I was definitely not pregnant just 2 days later. Then by month 5 I became worried. This is not normal. This is not okay. I'm supposed to be super fertile. I shouldn't have to keep track of ovulation and cycles. I'm just supposed to get pregnant!
I know there are women out there who struggle for months and even years without getting pregnant. Some can't have babies at all. And I in no way want to pull that card and pout and make everyone have sympathy for poor old me when we are just at the beginning of this frustrating time. Heck, I could get pregnant, no problem, next time around and all this will no longer apply to me. But what I'm trying to express is that it's hard. Not being able to grow your family like you planned, is hard. I feel for those women out there who want a baby, like right now! Try after try, nothing after nothing, miscarriage after miscarriage. My goodness that must be hard. I wish I could hug everyone out there who has and is going through that. I can't even begin to comprehend the heartache that must come from that.
Being on this journey for almost a year is a tough one, though. A year of confusion and sadness as to why it would be so hard the second time, after such a normal first time. It's still sad. Being ready and excited on top of being super baby hungry is a sad recipe. I get sad at baby blessings. I get sad when those around me are having their second baby, when we both had our first baby's around the same time. I get sad that I can't give Oaklen the thing he asks for often. The one thing we hoped to give him around his 3rd birthday. And here is his birthday and I'm not even pregnant. It's a confusing roller coaster we're on right now. I know that we'll be able to have another child, whether it's soon or down the road, but darn, it sucks not having one now. When you want it so badly. I never thought we'd be this far into it, even though it hasn't been that long. Month after month I keep telling myself that this is just plain weird and everything will be just fine the next month. But then it comes and goes and you start wondering a little farther ahead then why this might be just "weird". Actually making the appointment to talk to my doctor about what might be happening and discussing future fertility options is strange. Strange and confusing are my main feelings so far. I'm sad, sure. But I don't feel I have the full right to be downright SAD until I have been trying for a longer period of time or if something really is wrong with one of us. Although I'd say a year is just about long enough.
So for all those who have been wondering why the heck we aren't pumping out those babies, now you know. And now I don't have to keep lying to all those who continually ask where #2 is. Please excuse this glitch in our baby making progress. I'm sure in no time at all I'll be pregnant and fat and happy about both.
