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It's been a while.

Adoption update. Shortly after we were approved, LDS family services made an announcement that they are no longer offering adoption services. We had a tiny heads up from our case worker when we first went in to talk about adoption that some changes were coming. Good or bad, she wasn't sure. Unfortunately, it was bad. And we found out the same way everyone else did. Through the news, on the day of the announcement, which made me a little angry. There is some fine print with the changes apparently, but we have YET to learn them because we have not yet heard from our caseworker. It sounds like family services has been busy figuring these changes out as well, so things keep changing and we keep hearing lots of different stories.

This turn of events has bewildered us. Total confusion. Totally numb. Kind of sick and tired of being sick and tired...and sad. So when people ask how the adoption process is going...honestly, I hate that question. I know everyone means well by it and I'm not upset that they are being thoughtful. But there is only one obvious answer. We don't have a baby yet. There is never going to be a happy answer to that question. Because when we do have a baby one day, that question will no longer be relevant. It will be happy questions pertaining to our success like, "how's the baby doing?" or "how is Oak as a big brother?". That question to me is just a reminder of how sad I am and how awful this whole thing feels. The question isn't asking me if I'm still emotionally stable. Or offering me a hug. It's putting me back in that dark place, each and every time, forcing me to pretend to sound happy and try to give people answers that I myself can't find.

My point is, I know others are asking if there is any progress. But by golly, it sure would be nice if someone threw their arm around my shoulders and told me to keep up the good work, you know what I'm saying?!

How's the adoption process going?

It's still going. And we aren't sure if it will ever actually go anywhere. We are exhausted, confused, still looking for directions but have decided to focus on our family, especially Oak, and getting happy again. We thought we were here, but found out we were there. And then over there and then there and got lost. We're still hopeful for a family of four but right now we're also hopeful for Oak liking wrestling practice. And my new calling at church. And for Straton possibly getting a fun little side job that is more play than work for him. We're never going to stop hoping and wishing for our newest family member. We've just decided to think a little more about what's right in front of us and not let a moment pass by that we aren't filling with happy thoughts.

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