Step 2: fee and Bluestep

Today we paid our adoption fee which really made it real for me. Like I said, it's been a mixture of emotions for me, usually all at once. But we're happy to get started. We can now officially get the real paperwork done. It's all online and has us answer tons of questions including a lot of random ones like, what our siblings do or what is our favorite car. Everyone always talks about how much paperwork you need to fill out but if it's questions like these I don't think I'll have too hard a time with that.

We also have to take our online classes and get medical and criminal background information completed. Once that's finished I think all we'll have left is our interviews and home study and then we wait to be approved! I'm excited to let people know what's happening. It'll feel like that second pregnancy announcement that I've longed for all this time. And I hate holding such big secrets.

We're halfway there!

Happy 4th Birthday!

Oakie boy! You did it! WE did it! You're alive and well and thriving. I almost didn't think we'd get past the terrific three's without one, or both, of us losing our minds, but we did it! Thank heavens!

You're the greatest thing, Oak. We love you immensely. We are so proud of you. You are so smart, funny, kind, loving, strong willed, feisty, thoughtful and friendly. You will talk to anyone, about anything and everything, for as long as possible. You love babies and children. You are so incredibly sweet with me. You always need a connection with me when you sleep, like touching my face or holding me. You're definitely a lover. And as much as I get bothered with you still sleeping in our bed every now and then, I need that connection with you too. You are my son, my first born! You made me a mother! Thanks for choosing us as your parents.

Today we woke up and opened a ninja turtle present and got ready. We went to the mall for pretzels and your very first Nintendo 2DS! What a lucky boy! We watched you play in the play area and you loved it. Then we went to the fun park where you played in the jungle gym for the longest time. You were so sweaty and happy. After that we played arcade games where we won lots of tickets and got lots of little prizes! Next we went to our friend and neighbor's house for dinner and games and you got to play with your buddy Boston. Again, so sweaty and happy. (And they sang happy birthday with a cake and candles!)  Finally, we went to Texas roadhouse with grandma and Papa Gerber where you got to open some presents and sit on the saddle! You got ninja turtle bad guys and trucks. You stayed up until after midnight once we got home which shocked me. I thought you would pass out from all the fun from today.

Tomorrow we have another turtle present that we didn't have time for and your birthday cake with family! I can't believe my baby is 4! I love you so much, bub. Forever and ever.

**in the car you said that when you turn five, you can finally chew gum, "huh mom?"

3 was the year for ninja turtles, especially Donatello, long hair, books and books and books, Jack Frost movie (rise of the guardians), big boy booster car seat, learning to swim and ride a bike with training wheels, and learning to write your name! We're excited to see what 4 has in store. 

Step 1: basic paperwork

The very first leg of the adoption process is complete! We had to fill out a few quick and basic papers like our names, address, health insurance, references. Then we had to have our Bishop fill out a couple sheets of information regarding our social and financial standing, from his perspective. Once he mailed that in we get to move forward but we were worried he wasn't going to get it in as soon as we'd liked. But he did it and he deserves a pat on the back, just like the employees said at LDSFS.

For some reason this was a much bigger step for me. I think it made it real for me. We're doing this. We're actually adopting! It's such a strange, sad, yet exciting feeling. I never thought we'd be here under these circumstances. We'd always hoped to adopt later in the future because we just wanted to and felt good about it, but never did it cross our minds that we'd be adopting because of infertility.

Straton and I were happily driving along on our little scenic journey, thinking we knew exactly where we were going, so why need a road map? Why ask for directions?  Even through infertility and questioning, "why is this happening?" or, "where is the destination?" we were still confident we could figure out the way all by ourselves, thank you very much.
Turns out Heavenly Father needed us to do just that. Ask Him for directions. It's a reminder that He is the destination, and He knows the way much better than we do. So why not ask for some guidance?

We're still asking for direction through this bumpy, windy road but we feel happy with where we're headed.

Now we wait for a call from our case worker on step 2 instructions which should be the biggest step in the process.
Getting close!

Mexico

This vacation was long overdue. Strat and I haven't been on a real vacation since our honeymoon 5 years ago. It was perfect timing and so much fun. Gaylan and Debbie surprised us all (their kids and their spouses) with this trip for Christmas. No kids! Well, except for little 3 month old Owen but his bald head and chubby body is too irresistible to care.

We stayed at hotel Catalonia in Puerto Aventuras which was a beautiful resort. We did too many things to talk about them all but we did go to church with the locals in Playa del Carmen on Sunday and it was awesome. Not too different than here in the states! Although we did have to walk and catch a local bus there. So hot. That was not fun.

Some things we did were: riding bikes around the resort and marina, watching monkeys, dolphins, manatees and the cutest sea Lion I ever did see. I so would have payed the money to kiss his big whisker loving face. We played lots of games, danced, Strat played soccer and ping pong, did archery, went kayaking, went to Tulum, took a ride on a hobie, drank smoothies til the sun went down and ate three course meals, every meal, not including all the snacks and the crepes, oh the crepes, at night. I truly did not experience hunger the entire week.
It was beautiful, fun and so relaxing.

grateful

Today was especially hard for me as a mother. Oak hasn't been listening whatsoever and is fighting me on every little thing. It's a constant battle of superiority with us. Since I was little I dreamt of the day I would become a mom. I so looked forward to that chapter. I never imagined it would be this difficult. I'm having an incredibly hard time connecting to my son. My sweet, innocent and kind hearted boy is in there somewhere but today I just gave up looking for him. I couldn't do it on my own anymore. So I hit my knees and asked for help. Guidance, patience, understanding, comfort, anything to get me through this day. And it wasn't even a minute after I had finished that I found Oak asleep in his own bed. I instantly felt a wave of comfort. A feeling of calmness. I could now catch my breath and regroup.
Today was an answered prayer and the opportunity to start over.

today

was a great day. We explored our backyard. Also, this child of mine is possibly the cutest thing on earth.

raw

I thought my last post was going to be the hardest post to write. But it turns out this one takes the cake. I'm just going to make it somewhat short and simple because I myself am still sorting through this.

Straton and I were so blessed to become pregnant after so long of trying but unfortunately, heart-breakingly,  I miscarried. It was something I just did not see coming. After experiencing signs and symptoms of a miscarriage, my doctor told me a few days later at an ultrasound appointment that the baby was looking right on track but due to some other issues, the chances of survival were very slim, and I was to prepare for a miscarriage.

Those words.....
The emotional drop was almost audible. It was so very much worse than being told I had already miscarried. Now not only did I just see my baby on the monitor, but I had to continue to fall before I reached the bottom.

Thankfully, the worst possible time to miscarry (so I thought) actually turned into the best. I was with family, distracted (mostly), and incredibly happy. I had few and quick alone times of being sad and dealing with it. But I was happy. And surrounded by love.

I'm happy to report that I'm doing much better. Oaklen has forgotten already, but we know that he'll soon be holding a new baby on his lap in no time. =)