The post I've been waiting 3 years to write!

To actually be writing about the birth of our second son is surreal! I truly didn't know if I'd get to do this or not. So I couldn't be any more grateful.

(Although the entire story is very long and very detailed, I'm only going to write this short, condensed version to share publicly because the full story is too personal and still emotional for me to share.) 

Milo was a breech baby and even after a failed attempt to turn him, I figured a c-section for Anna was imminent. It was a weird feeling I had. I was really scared for Anna and sad that she'd have to go through that, especially recovery and whatnot. But on the other hand I was ok with it. It meant that we'd have an actual scheduled day to plan and be there a couple days before with Anna just like we hoped, plus it meant a safe delivery if he was still breech. Had she gone into labor naturally then it would have just been a waiting game until the last second until we could find a flight and get to Alaska, praying that we wouldn't miss the birth. So we were able to pick Milo's birthday, plan our travel and stay, and get things ready to meet Anna. 

We flew out and arrived in Anchorage on Mother's Day. Anna and her parents picked us up from the airport and we spent the next 2 days traveling around Anchorage and getting to know each other. It was, again, such a weird feeling. I felt as if I knew Anna for so long and was comfortable being with her but yet so nervous and excited to finally be meeting her. 

The morning of May 12th, Anna and her parents picked us up and we headed to the hospital! The spirit was so strong that day. Just walking into the hospital I felt so peaceful and calm for Anna. I don't remember her saying if she was nervous or not but if she was she never let it show. Love radiated from us and it was so special. After checking in we headed to our hospital room where Anna's dad and Straton gave her a sweet blessing. We hugged and said our tearful good lucks and see you soons and she was off. 

Surgery prep time took a while so we knew it would be hours before we'd get to see him so we tried to settle in and calm our nerves and excitement (mine only grew by the hour). I couldn't eat or watch t.v. I could barely focus on writing texts to my family. I was starting to go crazy. By around 11:30 the nurse who was keeping us updated had let us know that they were going to be starting soon and she'd let us know when he was here. Every time I'd see a shadow walk past our door my heart would stop. Finally, 12:30 rolled around and the nurse let us know that baby boy was born and doing fine and so was Anna and she'd give me more details when she could. A huge layer of relief flew off my shoulders!! He was here, healthy and everything went OK. Next the nurse brought in Anna's dad who happily told us that baby boy was 8 pounds 3 ounces, 21 1/4 inches born at 12:27! I could feel Milo in that hospital! I wanted to hold his little body to my chest so badly and could hardly wait to meet him. We were so excited! I wanted to run down to Anna and give her a high-five! She did it! 

Anna got moved to recovery where she got to hold and love Milo until she was ready for us to meet him. Our nurse said Anna was ready and that she would go get him for us. I never paced or tapped my feet so much. I could see my heart beating through my sweater, it almost hurt. Finally the nurse came in, asked if we were ready to meet our son, grabbed our camera and waited for him to be wheeled in through our door. When his little cart came in I lost it. I couldn't even see him in his bundle of blankets but he was here! I felt him just like when he was born but so much stronger! He was feet away from me and ready to be in my arms. Even now, writing this part of the story brings so many tears to my eyes. The love I had for him in that moment was bursting from me. Then I saw his sweet little face for the first time. All I wanted to do was learn every feature and detail of it. He was so beautiful. I picked him up and held him tightly to my chest. I could have lived in that moment. As tears fell from my eyes I felt so different. A good different. I felt like a mom again. I had two boys. Two beautiful, healthy boys! We were so incredibly blessed. He was supposed to find us.

The next couple of hours we spent doing skin-to-skin, loving, staring and calling all our family. Then we got you ready and headed down the hall to see Anna. Together we all sat and talked, held you and loved you. For me it was almost easier to sit together in silence. It just felt like nothing needed to be said because you were here and I didn't want to interrupt the peacefulness of your presence. You were so perfect. We loved Anna so much. There was no gift, no words that could express our gratitude to her and her decision. She chose adoption! What a courageous, selfless decision! It still completely blows my mind. She did it. And she chose us because she knew we were his family. It wasn't until a couple months later when Anna came to visit us that it REALLY hit me. I always felt it but I guess never gave it much thought or realized it so well that Anna and I were supposed to find each other. Milo was supposed to find us and to bring us all together. Maybe because that's how we needed to grow our family or she needed me or I needed her, I don't know. Maybe we haven't quite found the answer yet. But I truly believe that not only was Milo supposed to find us but Anna was as well. She was OUR birth mom.

We're so blessed we were able to adopt. It was a completely different experience than I EVER imagined. It was incredibly hard, incredibly sad, incredibly happy and incredibly scary but it was worth the journey. Milo will always be worth it!  

You are here...?

It's been a while.

Adoption update. Shortly after we were approved, LDS family services made an announcement that they are no longer offering adoption services. We had a tiny heads up from our case worker when we first went in to talk about adoption that some changes were coming. Good or bad, she wasn't sure. Unfortunately, it was bad. And we found out the same way everyone else did. Through the news, on the day of the announcement, which made me a little angry. There is some fine print with the changes apparently, but we have YET to learn them because we have not yet heard from our caseworker. It sounds like family services has been busy figuring these changes out as well, so things keep changing and we keep hearing lots of different stories.

This turn of events has bewildered us. Total confusion. Totally numb. Kind of sick and tired of being sick and tired...and sad. So when people ask how the adoption process is going...honestly, I hate that question. I know everyone means well by it and I'm not upset that they are being thoughtful. But there is only one obvious answer. We don't have a baby yet. There is never going to be a happy answer to that question. Because when we do have a baby one day, that question will no longer be relevant. It will be happy questions pertaining to our success like, "how's the baby doing?" or "how is Oak as a big brother?". That question to me is just a reminder of how sad I am and how awful this whole thing feels. The question isn't asking me if I'm still emotionally stable. Or offering me a hug. It's putting me back in that dark place, each and every time, forcing me to pretend to sound happy and try to give people answers that I myself can't find.

My point is, I know others are asking if there is any progress. But by golly, it sure would be nice if someone threw their arm around my shoulders and told me to keep up the good work, you know what I'm saying?!

How's the adoption process going?

It's still going. And we aren't sure if it will ever actually go anywhere. We are exhausted, confused, still looking for directions but have decided to focus on our family, especially Oak, and getting happy again. We thought we were here, but found out we were there. And then over there and then there and got lost. We're still hopeful for a family of four but right now we're also hopeful for Oak liking wrestling practice. And my new calling at church. And for Straton possibly getting a fun little side job that is more play than work for him. We're never going to stop hoping and wishing for our newest family member. We've just decided to think a little more about what's right in front of us and not let a moment pass by that we aren't filling with happy thoughts.

we're approved!

I can't tell you how long I've been wanting to spill this little secret of ours. Probably almost as long as it took me to make this stinking video. And then sadly my computer broke and I had to record a video on my phone of this video, which is why it's horrible quality (like super bad, you guys), I apologize. But until I can get the real video uploaded this will just have to do because it's 6 in the morning, I have yet to sleep and because I have to tell everyone, finally!

WE'RE ADOPTING!!




we're adopting! from Lauren Gerber on Vimeo.

Papers are in!

Our work is done! We've completed all our steps in order to be approved for adoption! Our case worker called last Friday to let us know that everything looked great and she was going to work hard and get us approved soon. When I asked how long she thought it might be, I thought for sure no less than a month. Tears filled my eyes when she said it would hopefully only take a week to a week and a half! I couldn't believe it. It was amazing to see things just fall into place. I couldn't have asked for an easier, faster process. People had us scared with all their "beware the paperwork!" comments but it was a breeze. Maybe we got lucky? Maybe it was supposed to work this way for us? Maybe it really is a whole lot easier than everyone thinks and says? Either way, it worked. We did it. We're so close to the light at the end of the tunnel. It feels so good. Now we wait for the news that we're approved and our profile goes live!

Step 2: fee and Bluestep

Today we paid our adoption fee which really made it real for me. Like I said, it's been a mixture of emotions for me, usually all at once. But we're happy to get started. We can now officially get the real paperwork done. It's all online and has us answer tons of questions including a lot of random ones like, what our siblings do or what is our favorite car. Everyone always talks about how much paperwork you need to fill out but if it's questions like these I don't think I'll have too hard a time with that.

We also have to take our online classes and get medical and criminal background information completed. Once that's finished I think all we'll have left is our interviews and home study and then we wait to be approved! I'm excited to let people know what's happening. It'll feel like that second pregnancy announcement that I've longed for all this time. And I hate holding such big secrets.

We're halfway there!

Step 1: basic paperwork

The very first leg of the adoption process is complete! We had to fill out a few quick and basic papers like our names, address, health insurance, references. Then we had to have our Bishop fill out a couple sheets of information regarding our social and financial standing, from his perspective. Once he mailed that in we get to move forward but we were worried he wasn't going to get it in as soon as we'd liked. But he did it and he deserves a pat on the back, just like the employees said at LDSFS.

For some reason this was a much bigger step for me. I think it made it real for me. We're doing this. We're actually adopting! It's such a strange, sad, yet exciting feeling. I never thought we'd be here under these circumstances. We'd always hoped to adopt later in the future because we just wanted to and felt good about it, but never did it cross our minds that we'd be adopting because of infertility.

Straton and I were happily driving along on our little scenic journey, thinking we knew exactly where we were going, so why need a road map? Why ask for directions?  Even through infertility and questioning, "why is this happening?" or, "where is the destination?" we were still confident we could figure out the way all by ourselves, thank you very much.
Turns out Heavenly Father needed us to do just that. Ask Him for directions. It's a reminder that He is the destination, and He knows the way much better than we do. So why not ask for some guidance?

We're still asking for direction through this bumpy, windy road but we feel happy with where we're headed.

Now we wait for a call from our case worker on step 2 instructions which should be the biggest step in the process.
Getting close!